8 Things Not To Do In The Company Car
/Hello everyone! For those of you who do not know, I currently have a fancy* sales job and with it comes a company car and, as Spiderman says, with great company car comes great responsibility**.
This post has been brought on because yesterday I beeped*** at someone while in my company car, and it got me thinking about all the other things that one can quite comfortably pull off in a private vehicle, but can’t get away with when you’re spraying your brand across the countryside like an aerial reforester sprays his seed****.
This is partially a post for those of my corporate brethren who have a company car and aren’t sure what you can do in it, but also a post for those of you who occasionally see someone in a company car doing something they shouldn’t, and wish to go “Aha!” at.
Yes, educational.
AHA!
As a side note, if you see someone doing any of these things in a car branded with [company redacted to ensure continued employment of writer] you may not go “Aha” and you certainly may not email head office about it.
And here the things are*****.
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*nope
**and as it turns out, with mediocre company car also comes great responsibility. Thank you, Peter ‘absolutely love driving this clapped-out Lancer’ Parker.
***I was going to say ‘tooted’ but I gather that in the UK that means ‘fart’ and I don’t want my international readership to get the wrong idea. Although one does toot in the work car from time to time.
****While I was coming up with this delightfully crude phrase I was so hoping that this was an actual thing and guess what! It is.
***** Fuck that’s a lot of *’s. I told my boss I was writing about things you can’t do in the work car and she immediately said “Pick your nose! Flip the bird!” And then there was quite a long silence and she said “…or anything other than company business.”
It bears mentioning at this point that the other day my boss stood up from her desk and announced to the room that she had received a driving complaint, via our Auckland head office.
It said: “Hi [boss], we have received a complaint that a company-branded car has been swinging into the disabled car park at [local school] every morning while dropping off their kids. Not a great look. Could you find out who this is and have a word?”
And my boss read this out to us all, and we all looked confused, and she smirked and said “whoop! better have a word with myself.”
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Anyway, here they are, the eight things you shouldn’t do in your company car. (Note this is not an exhaustive list, it’s just the list that came to mind, I’m sure there’s plenty more shit you absolutely should not be doing).
It’s a list because who doesn’t love a list?
NUMBER 9: DON’T MAKE LISTS IN YOUR COMPANY CAR
1. Anything Illegal
How very boring of me to say! I know, but I have to put this in otherwise you’re all going to go about Doing Illegal Things because I didn’t specifically say not to, and then where will I be? In vaguely culpable trouble, that’s where.
Firstly, it’s bad to do illegal things* and secondly and more importantly, this is the fastest way to get a nice meeting with HR. So don’t do them. (Even if it’s just a quick text at a traffic light, or a quick Snapchat of a very amusing personalised numberplate, or a swift online purchase during a lane change.)
Unless the numberplate is ‘P00MAN’.
Honestly I would’ve just taken the HR meeting for that.
THERE WASN’T A PICTURE OF THE P00MAN NUMBERPLATE BUT THERE WAS THIS AND HONESTLY I’LL TAKE IT.
HEY I FEEL PORKY DOES ANYONE WANT TO GO FOR A *GESTURES AT CAR*
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*unless it’s clearly a dumb law, like ‘no abortions’ but also you probably shouldn’t be doing those in your company car anyway
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2. ‘Road Applause’
…which is a nice, positive way to describe unleashing the full fury of your horn on someone who has just tried to change lanes halfway through a roundabout.
Out of everything on this list it is 100% the hardest thing to not do in your Fancy Company Vehicle because one minute you’re sitting quietly waiting for the lights to change, sending an idle txt about the amazing P00MAN numberplate you just saw, and then next minute the absolute fuckwit in front of you has sat there through an entire light cycle and can they not see it is green, what is wrong with them!
And then suddenly you have honked.
It’s like you didn’t even know you were doing it! Your hand moved by itself. You and your company car have Made The Parp and oh boy have you made it loudly.
And then they glare at you in their rear view mirror and you suddenly remember that you have a Company Logo of Significant Size on your bonnet and now you eagerly await the nice HR meeting.
3. Park Like A Butt
You know how sometimes you’re in the mood to line up a perfect angle park, slide right on in, then spend the next few hours of your life shunting back and forth until you, the car behind you, the white lines, and Jupiter are in alignment?
No, me either.
But I do know how sometimes you’re in the mood to screech up to the kerb, put it in park, and walk away as an imaginary explosion happens behind you. I know this very well. I went to a meeting the other day and employed my normal parking style of “well, it’s parked” and then a colleague (who was joining me at the client’s offices) said as I hopped out of my car – “Ah yes, you’re just going to leave that there?” And fortunately the client was standing behind him.
4. Host romantic encounters
First off, spoiler alert, but if the encounter is taking place in a car it isn’t actually romantic.
EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME IN TITANIC BUT LET’S BE HONEST, YOU’RE NO JACK AND HE’S NO ROSE
Second off, while this isn’t illegal, much like losing in a drag and/or death race (more on this later) it’s bad for the brand.
If you’re parked in your local hookup spot (on a hilltop overlooking the city, if movies have taught me anything) and a car pulls up next to you with ‘John’s Plumbing Warehouse’ on the side, and within two minutes the windows have steamed up and you can vaguely see the enamoured silhouettes of two (or more) people and a pipe wrench, this is not going to enhance your experience of John’s Plumbing Warehouse.
But. Now that I write that, I realise it is totally wrong.
Firstly, a small part of you is going to think, “good on you John!” And thusly is John’s brand humanised in your eyes. He isn’t just a plumber, he is a person! A person who is getting some.
And next time you need a plumber you will certainly remember John’s Plumbing Warehouse, and that is Brand Awareness. And Brand Awareness is very important in today’s digital world.
I think next time I go to a marketing meeting I will suggest more people make out in the company vehicles.
5. Hotbox the company vehicle
Firstly unless you’re 17 you probably shouldn’t be hotboxing anything because come on, we all have houses now, just pop the kids to bed and use your emergency-powercut matches to light the joint that Robert’s Uncle Kevin managed to procure from somewhere.
Secondly I can guarantee that the week you decide in a fit of four-wines splendour to hotbox the company car is also the week that you have the surprise car inspection, and no amount of hastily sprayed perfume is going to sort that out.
Important note to my readers and/or boss: I have never hotboxed a damn thing in my life. I was in a hotboxed car once in my younger years and I lasted about 10 seconds before I had to get out and I still don’t really understand it – but if hotboxing is your thing, Shontelle, this point is for you.
6. Drag Races
Again, there are several reasons for this. The first one, obviously, is that apparently it’s dangerous and the second one is that if you lose it’s very bad for the brand and the third one is that RuPaul is a horrible backseat driver.
OH, LIKE YOU WOULD HAVE HANDLED THAT PASSING LANE BETTER.
There is one exception to this and it is: it is perfectly fine to enter a drag race with the equally signwritten company car of your main competition.
Story time: this happened to me once (well really, I happened to this once) when I pulled up at the lights in my bright orange, community-newspaper-branded compact hatch. Imagine my outrage when I looked across to the next lane and saw the community-newspaper-branded compact hatch of our main competitor!
So I waited until the lights changed and I floored it and I absolutely smoked them and then I went back to the office and told my boss and he was… surprisingly impressed.
7. Death Races
Death Race is a movie set in a dystopian-future prison where inmates, one of whom is Jason Statham, mount flamethrowers and cannons and machine guns on their cars, and proceed to have a televised street race while completely fucking each other up. It is an excellent film, to the point where for quite some time it was mentioned in my Tinder bio,* but you absolutely should not do this in the company car because I’m pretty sure it’s illegal.
Also it’s terrible for the insurance.
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* “down to order pizza and watch Death Race.” STILL TRUE
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8. Play Music Which Does Not Align With Your Brand
See, not unlike ‘making out in the company vehicle,’ I had this on my list but as I write this I find I disagree with it more and more.
Some people might say that a family-friendly marketing company should not be absolutely thrashing it through a passing lane while blasting shitty trap and/or 80s rock but some other people may disagree.
HERE I AM / ASSHOLE IN THE PASSING LANE
Not me, and certainly not because I have done that recently! That is not why I disagree. That was certainly not me who overtook you between Ashburton and Rakaia.
I disagree because I dream of a world where I need a plumber, and he arrives in a plumbery ute out of which he is sharing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ with the neighbourhood, and also he is singing along.
EVERY NOW AND THEN I NEED A PART
In conclusion:
If you see me doing any of these things, please do not make me go to the HR meeting.
Also in conclusion:
TURN AROUND
EVERY NOW AND THEN I SEE A LITTLE SINK BLOCKAGE AND THE WASHER’S ALL WORN DOWN
TURN AROUND
EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT TIRED OF FISHING ROUND IN YOUR TOILET TANK
TURN AROUND
EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT RESTLESS THAT MY REAL GOOD WRENCH IS STILL IN JOHN’S TRUCK
TURN AROUND
EVERY NOW AND THEN I HIT A WATER MAIN AND THEN I GO “FUCK”
TURN AROUND, PIPE WRENCH!
EVERY NOW AND THEN I NEED A PART
TURN AROUND, PIPE WRENCH!
EVERY NOW AND THEN I NEED A PAAAAAAAAART