Marooned On An Island Of My Own House: Is That Essential?

For those of you who may not be aware, in NZ’s Level Four Covid-19 lockdown retailers are allowed to sell things online, as long as the things are ‘Essentials.’

Which begs the question: What, exactly, do we consider essential?

The Government said: “Products that keep people warm, replace key household appliances, and maintain people’s health.”

BUT THESE RETAILERS KNEW BETTER.

Here is a quick list of some (apparently) essential things that you can still buy under our highest level of quarantine.

Tineli Men’s Premium Bibshorts, $149.99

HOW CAN I TAKE MY DAILY BIKE RIDE WITHOUT MY BIBSHORTS? PEOPLE WON’T EVEN KNOW I’M A WANKER.

Good Lord, cyclists!

In the unlikely and unfortunate event that your favourite bibshort… breaks? Wears out? Is destroyed by your significant other? during the lockdown period, just wear some normal shorts and a normal bib.

Zaket & Plover Tweed Coatigan, $199

Look, everything about this is wild. I didn’t even know Coatigan was a word until today and now that I know, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Perhaps in different times I would have invested in a Coatigan for myself but when the government says “goods that are necessities of life” I feel like the Coatigan is not what they had in mind and also, $200! $200 Coatigan Necessity of Life!

While we’re here, please allow me to present two other ‘essential garments’ from the same store. If you are wondering what on earth they might be essential for, please refer to the captions.

ESSENTIAL FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO BREAK INTO AN OLD-TIMEY JAIL, BUT MAKE IT ‘FASHION’

ESSENTIAL FOR WHEN YOU ARE GOING HUNTING WITH THE BOYS AND YOU AREN’T AFRAID OF CLASHING WITH YOUR HORSE

Ottoman Suitcase Portable Storage, $39.99

“I BET YOU CAN’T CRAM TWO UNRELATED PRODUCTS INTO ONE THING” SAID RUPERT

Even if we lived in a world where an Ottoman Suitcase Portable Storage was considered essential in any sense of the word, we are in lockdown.

Where are you going to take it?

Dog Bathrobe, $36

DESIGN FLAW: NO TAIL-HOLE

Just because we’re in lockdown doesn’t mean he should be expected to use a towel.

Smart Avocado Saver Clip (Green) - $14.99

SOMETHING ABOUT THIS IS JUST EXHAUSTING

My friends, it is with a heavy heart that I tell you too many half-avocados have fallen to this pandemic.

Let us band together and stop this senselessness. Together, with only our courage and our Smart Avocado Saver Clips, we can make sure not another single halfcado is lost to this scourge.

No more shall our pale green brethren malinger in the crisper drawer, forgotten and unloved, only to be unceremoniously chucked in the green bin two weeks later after being declared “not even good for guacamole”.

NO MORE, I SAY! NO MORE!

Westinghouse Sous Vide Immersion Cooker, $149.99

How could one POSSIBLY be expected to live for FOUR WHOLE WEEKS without the ability to cook MEAT in a BAG, SUSAN?

I like to imagine the person who thinks this is an essential is also the person who wears the hunting coat from earlier on. Or perhaps the bibshorts.

It’s OK to sous-vide in bibshorts, because there’s no danger of splashing.

Durex Fruity Fun Condoms, $14.99

THE STRAWBERRY IS A LOVE HEART! ‘FRUITY FUN’ IS THE MOST ROMANTIC OF ALL THE CONDOM FLAVOURS.

Protection: Essential.

Fruity Fun Flavoured Protection: More of a nice-to-have, isn’t it?

(Although personally, I do not think it would be nice to have. Fake banana flavour is bad enough in gum, I don’t think I need it in flagrante as well.

Also what exactly is “Fruity Fun,” as a flavour? Which fruit should I be expecting to taste? Yuck. If anyone reading this has tasted Fruity Fun, can you please leave a comment and let me know exactly what was the fruity and exactly how fun it was, so I am never tempted to research this for myself.)

Fanfar Rainbow Printed Deluxe Faux Fur Fabric, $63/metre (on sale!)

THE FANFARE IS PLAYED WHEN THEY FINALLY STOP SELLING THIS RUBBISH

Thank goodness! I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get my Yeti Pride costume finished until after lockdown.

Arbee Glue On Joggle Eyes 20 Pack, author forgot to screenshot the price

I FEEL LIKE THEY’RE FOLLOWING ME AROUND THE ROOM

They can take our pubs, they can take our ability to high-five strangers, but they can NEVER TAKE OUR GOOOOGLY EYYYYYYES!

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been New Zealand’s Essential Items.

Stay safe, buy the things you need, always wash your bibshorts.