A Definitive Ranking of Vegetables (To Grow)
/Did you know the main purpose of gardening is to enthusiastically grow too much of a thing you don’t particularly like?
A couple of years ago I got some Raised Garden Beds and promptly went insane. My enthusiasm for gardening vastly outweighs my ability to plant a sensible amount of anything; I have painted myself into a horticultural corner, and now bring armfuls of vegetables to social gatherings and implore people to take them.
However, with insanity comes productivity. I have grown many vegetables. I have grown radishes. I have grown tomatoes. I have grown peas, and corn, and many other things that I could’ve just bought from the frozen section of the supermarket and saved myself a lot of trouble.
I HAVE GROWN SAGE, YET NOT BECOME IT.
also i have only just realised the glass of wine in this photo. gardening!
I am now a proper gardener. A seasoned gardener. Why, I’m practically -
Hmm. Do you know any famous gardeners? I don’t know any famous gardeners.
Feel free to imagine me as the famous gardener of your choice.
I’LL ALLOW IT.
And now, in the spirit of imparting my knowledge to the next generation, it is time to answer the age-old question:
What should I grow in my vegetable garden?
Please enjoy this Definitive Ranking of Things to Grow in your Vegetable Garden. Do let me know how you get on.
To keep it scientific, here’s the criteria:
1. Ease of growing: Can I Grow It?
2. Satisfaction: Is it Nice to Grow?
3. Usefulness/Deliciousness: Was it Worth Growing?
This list includes herbs because, well, I grow them in my vegetable garden.
34. Capsicums
OK yep I see why people just buy these from the supermarket. They languished for months, sandwiched between the radishes and beetroot, both of which took off with the gusto of a small child who has noticed that the pantry door is open.
Finally, they half-heartedly produced two tiny, inedible capsicums.
Rude.
33. Chillies (unknown variety)
I would never have voluntarily grown these, but a “friend” brought two boxes of seedlings to a BBQ then - with a level of audacity most of us can only aspire to - declared that he wasn’t taking any of them home.
Anyway, I carefully tended these fussy plants for MONTHS, and when they finally produced some piddly chillies, I did not like them.
I don’t know what this is but I’m very disappointed in it.
32. Pineapple Sage
Smells nice. Died almost immediately.
31 = Marjoram / Oregano / Tarragon
These were planted with care, watered frequently, and rewarded my efforts by shooting off in weird directions while also managing to look like a dog has sat on them.
HE HASN’T. HE CAN’T JUMP THAT HIGH.
28. Cauliflowers
In the first fortnight one died, in the next fortnight one was eaten by something (slugs? butterflies? toddler?), and months later the two survivors produced one single weird cauliflower, which I gave to a colleague.
They’ve only escaped the bottom place ranking because a) not a capsicum and b) my colleague liked the cauliflower.
It occurs to me that at this stage in the ranking, you might be doubting my Gardening Abilities. You should not. You should doubt these terrible veg.
27. Assorted Flowers (excl. Sunflowers and Pansies)
Technically in the garden, technically in the ranking, but very low on account of total inedibility and general uselessness - unless you’re a bee, which I am not. I’ll grant that they add a nice splash of colour when you plonk them along the edge of the garden bed.
But then they die, because you don’t know what a perennial or an annual is, and honestly in this hectic modern world who has time to find out.
26. Lettuces
Nothing wrong with a lettuce. Nothing particularly exciting about it either.
25. Pansies
Much the same as the Assorted Flowers, except these bring extra joy by spontaneously planting new versions of themselves in my husband’s carefully manicured lawn.
And you can eat them!
no, as a garnish. get the fuck out
24. Carrots
Possibly an unfairly low ranking as this is the first year I’ve grown them. They’ve yet to produce anything except delightful green fronds, but I hold out hope that below the surface, tiny carrots are gently expanding. Like so many chubby baby toes wriggling beneath the soil. Wriggle wriggle.
Update: it turns out this WAS an unfairly low ranking as the carrots were wriggling toesily all along! Please feel free to re-rank the carrots in your mind. (By which I mean, mentally adjust your ranking of carrots in this list. The carrots in your mind are none of my business.)
ok, so they won’t be gracing the pages of carrot marie claire any time soon, but they were delicious and i feel fond of them.
23. Radishes
Did you guys know how quickly radishes grow? I didn’t. I planted two small rows and now there are radishes EVERYWHERE and I have to keep giving little containers of them to the one person at work who likes radishes. But they get some points for their impressive growth, and also for the fact that nothing went wrong with a single one.
They lose points because I planted them from seed and so I had to THIN THEM and inflicting this radish genocide was almost more than I could bear.
22. Chives
A fine herb. Nice on eggs. Dies more often than I would like.
don’t you do it, chive. you have so much* to live for
*my eggs
21. Silverbeet
Grows abundantly, nice healthy leaves, it’s just not that exciting of a plant and I’m not that excited about eating it. Sorry, silverbeet.
20. Pumpkins
I’m slightly torn about pumpkins: on one hand, it is satisfying to watch your pumpkin grow, and think to yourself that perhaps one day you might enter it in an A&P show and win some sort of Large Pumpkin Prize, and thusly achieve something with your life. But on the other hand it takes up half the garden and then you just… have all this pumpkin??
Don’t tell me to make soup. I already made soup and SO MUCH PUMPKIN REMAINED.
19. Kumara
I suspect these will be very similar to pumpkins, but I’ve planted mine in pots in an attempt to contain them. They’ve only been there for a week. Let’s see how they go. I’ve ranked them high, in hope.
Beneath the soil, do tiny baby kumara wiggle, like so many carrot toes?
OK, SO THEY’RE NOT TECHNICALLY IN THE GARDEN, BUT THEY ARE EMOTIONALLY IN THE GARDEN.
18= Sage / Rosemary
Hardy! Flourishing! Taking up an awful lot of the garden for a herb that gets used once a year!
16. Courgettes
I’ve never grown these, but I hear that people do. It seemed only fair to rank them at the halfway point. The reason I haven’t grown them is simple: I don’t particularly like courgettes, and I don’t want to eat 45 of them.
15. Beetroot
And with that, we’re into the good veg! Beetroots are Hearty Looking and grow quickly and that is the shit I do like. Also there are heaps of them and you can pickle them. What’s not to like?
I guess they could taste a little better but maybe that’s on me for accidentally pickling them with the skins on.
when i say beet, you say root!
beet!
14. Parsley
Reliable, hardy, bountiful, fun for the MM to squash with her chubby little hands, useful in many dishes, doesn’t look like a dog has sat on it.
13. Beans
The beans are newly planted and have yet to Bean, but they look so enthusiastic and springy, and they’re busy growing up the sunflowers, and these heart-gladdening ways place them above other vegetables and herbs that were Productive, but did not Spark Joy.
Update: They have now Beaned, and they have Beaned so thoroughly and enthusiastically that I almost moved them down the list because what am I supposed to do with all these beans?
12. Broccoli
A good, sensible vegetable. Produces exactly one head of broccoli per plant. Beans could learn a lot from broccoli.
11. Cherry Tomatoes
This is one tomato plant.
gaze upon my tomato, ye mighty, and despair.
It has been chopped back twice, twined to the fence, disentangled from the strawberry cover, forcibly removed from the leeks, frequently accosted by the Milkmeister, strongly verbally discouraged, and this is STILL what it’s up to.
I like it though. I admire its enterprising spirit, and it smells fantastic when you water it.
Points docked because it’s been slightly inconvenient to its garden friends, and also the tomatoes are now all starting to come ripe and I’m a bit frightened of how many there are.
if there is ever a movie of my garden, tilda swinton can play the tomato. beautiful, yet unsettling.
10. Gherkin Cucumbers
And with Gherkin Cucumbers, we enter the top 10!
It pains me to rank my beloved GCs this low because I am so emotionally attached to them. The first year I grew these, they were a glorious tangle of constantly-producing vines; I was pickling a jar of gherkins every second day and almost wished they would slow down - a wish that I now regret as I feel I have cursed this year’s lot. I planted them behind the potatoes, because I underestimated how a potato be, and they missed out on a lot of sunlight and never quite came right.
Sorry, gherkin cucumbers.
9. Thyme
A remarkable herb. Has survived multiple frosts, repeated Milkmeister maulings, and being used constantly for everything from mushrooms to stews. Looks a bit battered and all the thyme is growing off one side of it, but I admire its unbreakable spirit.
8. Eggplants
I also admire the eggplants. They sit there for months and they keep growing, incrementally, and flowering from time to time, and yet no eggplant appears. A master of suspense, the eggplant.
And just when you’ve given up hope, an eggplant appears!
Also for some reason people think growing eggplants is hard (it’s not) so eggplants get extra points for giving me Gardening Clout.
where are the eggs bitch
i’ll give you a gardening clout in a minute
7. Brussels Sprouts
Fantastic plant! Looks like something out of Day of the Triffids, needs multiple stakes to stop falling over, and yet somehow has an enduring Spirit of Fun. Also produces a sensible amount of sprouts: not the miserly whimper of a capsicum, but also not the overenthusiastic roar of a Bean.
6. Potatoes
Did you know that you can look at your small potato plant in the morning and then come home in the evening and it is VISIBLY BIGGER? This blew my mind. Amazing. Love this. Then later, you get to fossick around under the ground and get the potatoes out, every one a delightful surprise. All in all, a deeply satisfying vegetable.
The only reason the potatoes aren’t top of the list is that they went completely berserk and I had to construct a DPZ (de potatorized zone) to keep them out of the leeks and the gherkins, and they SNUCK OUT OF THE ZONE. Naughty potatoes.
THIS WAS NOT IN THE GARDENING GUIDE
5. Sunflowers
Once again, not technically edible, which makes them a surprising entry this high in the list.
However. Sunflowers grow fast, so it’s satisfying to look out and see how big they are compared to last week, and the flowers are lovely, and you can grow your cursed beans up them, and - this is 90% of the reason they’re this high up - a small finch* has taken to perching on the top leaves and eating the seeds straight out of the head of the sunflower, which is rather charming.
*or possibly several finches that look the same, I am not an ornithologist
4. Peas
Peas are great. The most snackable vegetable, unless you like radishes, which I don’t. You should grow some peas, it’s very easy.
also you can plant them next to the leeks and call that section of the garden “The Ablutions Block.”
You do need to construct a little trellis thingy for them to grow up, but the trellis thingy doesn’t have to be good.
4. Strawberries
What could beat peas, I hear you ask? Strawberries! Peas may be the most snackable vegetable, but strawberries are the most snackable fruit. They’re allowed in the vegetable garden because, unlike many fruits, they aren’t on a tree.
You do have to build them a little house so the birds can’t get in, but that is why one has a husband. If you don’t have a husband, some bits of wood and a reel of chicken wire will do.
several blackbirds were very angry about this
2. Corn
Corn is, hands down, the best tasting vegetable when freshly picked. It is delicious. It’s also easy to grow and - as far as vegetables are concerned - very giftable, in that you can take a bag of it to work and people might actually be excited. Last week our new neighbours came round to introduce themselves, and they brought some baking, so I went over the next day with some corn* and now we are invited to dinner on Friday.
*ok and some beans
It’s also hugely satisfying to watch your tiny cornlets become a Cornfield of Glory right there in your back yard, even if it does mean that Oklahoma! gets stuck in your head more than it should.
the waving wheat doesn’t really smell like anything
1. Leeks
Really? Leeks? Above strawberries? Above corn?
Yes! Yes. Leeks are the MPV (Most Prized Vegetable).
This may surprise you, as the leek is an unglamorous fellow. Slow to grow. Dull to observe. No flowers, no budding produce, nothing really in the slightest bit exciting.
But the leek is not without its charms. No matter your skills as a gardener, you cannot fuck up the leeks. They are determined to flourish, no matter how often you forget to water them, over-water them, or let a tomato grow all over the top of them.
to the right, the tomato has died. to the left, the capsicums are up to fuck all. but in the middle, the leeks hold the line.
AND - in a move which is great for people who like to Grow a Thing but don’t like to Eat 20 of a Thing that has All Come Ripe At Once - they will just hang out in the ground until you’re ready to eat them, at which point they are both versatile and delicious. You can even pick them when they’re small and use them in place of a spring onion!
Can’t do that with a beetroot.
YASSSSS BITCH! THE EGGS!
Final Thoughts: if you’re considering a garden, just do it. Even a small garden - with some thyme, a strawberry, and perhaps one incongruous beetroot - is very nice.
DON’T PUT A POTATO IN YOUR SMALL GARDEN THOUGH.
If you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, a tough day at work, or a general Feeling of Melancholy, it is very nice to look out the window and go, “Ah, me potatoes!”
(And it’s extra nice when you have a toddling Milkmeister who can ‘help you water the garden’ by eating seven unripe cherry tomatoes and throwing the trowel at the dog.)
—
Appendix: Milkmeister Update
The MM is now TWO YEARS OLD which is amazing, although it probably shouldn’t be because that’s how time usually works. Her favourite things are, in no particular order:
her scooter (“Scooter in bath, Mama?” “That’s an interesting idea, but no.” MM, firmly: “Scooter in bath. Yes.”)
helicopters (“Mama! ELICOOTER! Hear it with EARS MAMA”)
strawberries - the best way to head a tantrum off at the pass is to say “SHALL we look in the garden to see if there are strawberries?”
macaroni cheese (“Want minka monki.” “Sorry, what do you want?” volume increases “Want minka monki CHEEEE”)
expressing her opinions (“HEY! MAMA! WANT MINKA MONKI CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”)
her soft toy otter, aptly named Otter (and currently sitting on my lap because I promised the MM I would keep him safe while she went to bed)
Roland, the longsuffering Labrador (“Chase Roland?” “No!” “CUDDLE ROLAAAAAAND”)
the song ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, which I wish had never been written, closely followed by ‘Old MacDonald’, ‘Farmer in the Dell’ and ‘Golden’ from Kpop Demon Hunters - which the MM thinks is called ‘Uppin’ and Buppin’’ because of the bit in the chorus that goes “up up up”. Perhaps I sing it more as “up bup bup” but who doesn’t.
coming out to ‘help with the garden’ then spraying you with the hose
(When I drafted this post she was 19 months old and I said: “She can walk, talk well enough to express her tiny wishes (“more cheese!”) climb on the couch, and throw the trowel at the dog.” Rest assured she can still do all of those things.)